Tag Archives: douchebag

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Getting Enhanced

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Categories: Politics, Rant, Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

There’s been a lot of hullabaloo recently¬†over the “enhanced pat-downs” being doled out by the TSA. Some people, like Penn Jillette, think this amounts to assault. Others claim it’s a needed part of our security apparatus. Whether enhanced pat-downs make us safer or not is not the real issue, however. What’s important is how our government can make our lives better through enhanced language.

You see, there are many distasteful and morally repugnant things going on in the world today. Thankfully, the government has enhanced our lives with their words. They’ve sanitized the horrible things they do to make us happier. Shouldn’t we be happy they’re working so hard to make us happy?

Take torture, for instance. No one likes torture. But it’s OK, because the US government didn’t torture anyone by electrocuting them or practically drowning them; they gave them an enhanced interrogation. That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

Now, if you’re going to fly on an airplane, you get an enhanced pat-down. That’s much better than an embarassing public violation of your Fourth Amendment rights that borders on sexual assault, don’t you think?

I don’t think the government should have a monopoly on enhancing our lives though. Businesses and private citizens should enhance the world too. I’ve put together a list of enhancements for you to keep in mind. I’m sure, once you start thinking about it, you can come up with many other ways our world has been enhanced over the last few years. Feel free to comment with your own enhancements. Your fellow citizens thank you for enhancing their enhanced understanding of enhanced speech.
 

  • Four Loko is not a potentially dangerous alcoholic energy drink; it’s an enhanced beer.
  • Unwelcome sexual advances at work are not sexual harassment; they’re enhanced compliments.
  • The rent’s not too damn high; it’s got an enhanced price.
  • The Earth’s not undergoing global warming; it’s developing enhanced temperatures.
  • Fellatio is not a blowjob; it’s enhanced kissing.
  • Politicians are not deceitful, dishonest douchebags; they tell the enhanced truth.
  • Religious fundamentalists are not zealots; they’re enhanced believers.
  • Things are not awesome; they’re enhanced good (though I suppose “plusgood” would be an acceptable enhanced alternate word.)
  • I’m not a loudmouthed asshole; I have enhanced opinions.

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Sometimes Writing Sucks

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Categories: Writing, Tags: , , ,

Now that I’ve finished the outline for my first novel, I’ve realized that I hate the main character. Stanley Laroche is a douchebag. Stanley Laroche is an asshole. If Stanley Laroche were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick (thanks for that one, Mike Myers!)

But I have to tell Stanley’s story anyway. Even though I hate him, I made him. I owe it to him to let the world know what an absolute scumbag-fuckface-turd he is. To do otherwise would be to abort a ten-year-old.

Sometimes, as a writer, you have to tell a story you don’t like. Sometimes a character is so vile that you have second thoughts about bringing them into the world. Sometimes you question yourself, wondering how you could have created such a monster.

Paging Dr. Frankenstein…