I decided last night (after a fairly heated exchange on Failbook) that I would put this post up so that people considering whether or not to create or maintain a friendship with me would know what they’re getting into. Consider it truth in advertising. Also, on the off chance that NPR ever asks me to do a “This I Believe”segment, most of my work will already be done. Yay for advance preparation!
Fair warning: this post is probably not safe for work. These beliefs are in no particular order. While I do hold some convictions more strongly than others, their order in this list in no way denotes their importance to me. This list is pretty thorough, but not comprehensive. Also, some of the things you’re about to read are intended to be humorous and light-hearted; some are not. You figure out which is which.
- I believe choice and free will are the greatest and most frequently squandered gifts humanity has.
- I believe you are ultimately responsible for your own life and must deal with the consequences of the choices you make.
- I believe rape in all forms is one of the most heinous crimes possible, because it denies the victim choice in one of the most private and inviolate parts of their life.
- I believe the Chicago Blackhawks will win the Stanley Cup this year.
- I believe people are betrayed by their biology more often than they would like to admit.
- I believe I’m a conflicted and hypocritical person, but I’m working on it.
- I believe it is the height of arrogance to presume to speak for anyone but yourself.
- I believe it is the depth of self-loathing to allow anyone to speak for you.
- I believe in peace, bitch.
- I believe there is a power greater than myself in the universe, but I don’t pretend to understand what it is or how it works.
- I believe humans can live better lives through the practical application of chemistry, biology, medicine, engineering, and imagination.
- I believe I love my daughter more than any other person in this world, including my wife, whom I love very much.
- I believe my wife understands the preceding statement and feels much the same way.
- I believe the preceeding two statements do not diminish the relationship my wife and I share, but enhance it instead.
- I believe marriage is a social contract between two individuals, not a holy institution. As such, it should be available to all consenting adults, regardless of sexual orientation or gender.
- I believe government-issued underwear are very uncomfortable.
- I believe it is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
- I believe words are innocent. They have no meaning except that which you ascribe to them. Make them your own and define them: don’t let them define you.
- I believe the following statement is true.
- I believe the preceding statement is false.
- I believe most people take themselves too seriously.
- I believe I have many acquaintances, but few friends. You may be one.
- I believe things on the Internet are not real.
- I believe fascism by committee in the guise of social justice is the most insidious lie ever told to Americans.
- I believe American federalism is not a perfect governmental system, but it’s as close as we’ve gotten so far.
- I believe the Framers of the United States Constitution would not recognize our country as their own.
- I believe the American federal government has little to no authority to legislate social issues.
- I believe abortion is abhorrent, except in cases of rape and incest. However, I would never presume to tell a woman what she may or may not do to her own body. That’s between her and whatever higher power she believes in.
- I believe anyone who would claim I’m not entitled to an opinion regarding reproductive rights because I have a penis is the worst kind of hypocrite.
- I believe we are not alone.
- I believe freedom of choice is the only true freedom.
- I believe thou shalt not kill.
- I believe Metallica sucked, then got good, and now sucks again.
- I believe Rush is the greatest rock band of all time.
- I believe pity is something reserved exclusively for children and the mentally handicapped.
- I believe disagreeing with one aspect of a person does not invalidate the entirety of that person.
- I believe magic is nothing more than the judicious application of human will.
- I believe in striving today to be better than I was yesterday.
- I believe the only valuation of my worth as a human being that truly matters is my own.
- I believe “I” is the most beautiful word in the English language.
- I believe, if you don’t like what I have to say, you can kindly go fuck yourself.